Frozen
by Seahorse8
Summary: A christmas story about the twins. A snowy day results in a bitter argument between Billie and Toni. Feeling miserable, Billie takes Ryan's advice and runs away to find her Dad. But her quest leads to an unpleasant surprise; and as evening comes and it begins to get dangerously cold, Billie is still missing. Can Toni find her sister before it's too late?
1. Chapter 1

**Okay, I know it's the beginning of November, but I'm already feeling christmas mad! And by starting this now, I can write it alongside Tee's Choice and hopefully have it finished in time for Christmas. This is basically a bit of a re-write of my other story about the twins, which wasn't really going anywhere, and it's my idea of what could maybe happen in a Dumping Ground christmas special, if there ever was one.**

* * *

 **Billie**

I've been finding it hard to sleep. It started off as a small thing, from time to time; but lately, the nights that I just can't stop thinking everything through, that I just lay awake thinking everything over, have been becoming more and more regular. Tonight is one of the worst nights; I woke up at five, and have just been staring at the ceiling for the last two hours, trying to will my eyes to close, the memories to leave me; just once.

Toni snores loudly beside me; even though my twin had a worse time than me, much worse, I don't think it was more than five seconds of lying down before she fell fast asleep. She's happy here, now; and I know I should be too. It's okay now. I'm all right.

It's so stupid; right now, a normal nine year old would be being kept awake by fears of monsters; snakes or spiders maybe. Fears that would cause them to sit up and turn the light on, feel scared for about a second, before they run to their parents and the world is safe again. I'd give anything to be them right now, to have worries that could disappear that fast, dry up before my eyes like water.

Right now, my head feels way too heavy to sleep; thick as clotted cream with worry and tiredness. It's morning though, I guess; even though the sky outside is still so dark you'd never think it; it's mid December, after all.

Thinking this, I suddenly realise just how long Toni and I have been in care. It's been almost a year now; it was January when we were taken away from our dad. And we haven't seen him since.

Ugh, stop thinking, Billie! All it does is make me feel depressed and more tired than ever. Think of something else; anything.

The darkness is the first thing that comes into my mind. It's so weird in winter, how it always looks like night, even when it's early morning and the birds are singing - the ones that haven't migrated off somewhere, anyway. It's actually unusually bright today, a pinky purple sheen of light coming from the tiny slit in the curtain. It's different somehow, from all those other nights I've lain awake at this time.

It reminds me of a rhyme my mother used to tell us sometimes, from the big book of nursery rhymes, stories and fables she'd always read us before we went to bed. The book was from my granny, I think, not that I've ever met her. Dad threw the book in the fire one day later, when things began to get difficult. Granny was a stupid old bat who should never have cursed the world with her existence, he said as he did it. They both were; her and mum.

I wish I had that book now; anything to distract me from this. I still remember the rhyme, though. _Red sky at night, shepherd's delight; red sky in the morning, shepherd's warning._

Great; we're going to have a bad weather day then, I guess. Either that, or it's a terrible omen of some disaster to come, like in the book my teacher read us back in October. Thinking about that makes me feel kind of creeped out. I've always got scared easily; Toni gets fed up and calls me a wimp.

I've got more important things to worry about than monsters now, though; real thoughts that have been crowding my mind all night long.

I sigh dismissively and walk over to the window, opening the curtains. No ghosts? No alien invasions? No axe murderer hovering over the window sill? Didn't think so.

I almost don't register it; it's still so dark. But that's what draws me towards it; or rather the light that contrasts it, that eery glow shining off the ground. I bend my head curiously, still slightly creeped out, to look.

And suddenly I'm a kid again, the thickness of worry and tiredness disappearing in an instant, replaced by a hyper burst of excitement. All that time my thoughts were haunting me, and this was all it took me to be happy.

"Toni!" I yell. "Wake up! Get Floss and Finn and everyone! It's SNOWING!"

Maybe I really will be all right, this christmas.


	2. Chapter 2

**Today it actually snowed where I live, for the first time in about five years! Though it didn't last for more than five minutes, and it was more like slush than actual snow... But I think it's a good enough excuse for me to write another chapter of this :)**

* * *

"Do you think May-Li will let us go outside?" Floss asks, five minutes later. We've woken up Harry and Finn; if I thought I was hyper, they've just gone completely crazy. I'm having a difficult job keeping everyone quiet.

"Who cares?" said Toni. "By the time everyone else gets up it'll be too late. Let's just GO!"

I nod, grinning, as I pull on my coat and gloves. "I've never seen snow before," I say, thoughtfully. "Not really."

"Yeah, you have!" Toni says dismissively.

"Not properly, though," I say. "None of us have, not like this. The whole ground is covered!"

That's about as much as Toni can take. With an excited yell, she runs out, followed by Harry. I follow behind slowly, my thoughts still lingering on everything that was going through my head earlier. A second later, though, Finn charges back in, grabbing my hand.

"Hurry up!" he shouts. "You have to see this, it's everywhere!"

"All right," I smile again and follow him out, shaking the thoughts out of my mind. After all, I'm here, at Ashdene Ridge, with my sister. What more could I wish for?

Finn's right. Even looking outside my bedroom window, I could see there was a lot of snow, but I hadn't seen just how heavy it was. It's literally everywhere, still magically white and pure. You always read about snow being like a dusting of icing sugar or something; this is more like the time Floss was frosting cupcakes and spilt the whole packet over the table. It must have been snowing all night, there's so much; you can't even see the path leading up to Ashdene Ridge. It's like the whole dumping ground has been transformed into one massive winter wonderland.

For a moment, I just want to stand and stare at it all; it's so breathtaking. Even as I take in the scene, though, Floss and Harry charge out in front of me, chasing each other through the garden, making muddy footprints everywhere. I'm still captivated by the view, so I don't notice Toni coming up behind me until I feel a sudden slither of cold down the back of my neck.

"Hey!" I yell; I hadn't realised how _cold_ snow was. Without stopping to think, I gather up my own snowball, pelting it back at her. She dodges swiftly and it hits Floss in the face. She gives me one murderous look, and I dodge behind Finn quickly, even as she begins so scoop up a snowball that's about the size of a rugby ball.

It's not long before what must be about the fiercest snowball fight in history erupts. Floss teams up with Finn, while I side with Toni; Harry seems to be going along with whoever happens to be winning, and staying out of the way of the massive chunks of snow we're all pelting about. Soon we're so engrossed we lose all sense of time; I don't even notice that it's gradually getting lighter as the morning comes. I'm too busy moulding snow, pushing it tightly together to make it rock hard, as I make a supply, ready for Toni to throw. We're winning easily; Floss may be fierce, but her aim isn't great, and Finn just doesn't have the knack of making snowballs that I do.

As I stand up to hand another snowball to Toni, Floss suddenly hurls a giant chunk of snow, hitting me square in the stomach. I'm not expecting it, and it knocks the wind out of me; I fall back, and suddenly I'm lying sprawled on the ground with a scraped elbow and my stomach throbbing. Floss looks down at me, smirking. I glare back at her.

"Right; that's it!" Snarling, I spring up and start crafting a snowball especially for Floss. I wonder whether to put in some pebbles for extra strength, but decide against it; that's more Toni's style. Instead, I concentrate on grinding it together until it becomes hard as ice, and adding layer after layer until it's big enough to build a snowman with. Then I pick it up and edge over to where she's chasing Harry.

"Hey, Floss?" I call casually, trying to hide the slight venom in my voice. While this is all fun and games, a tiny part of me sort of resents Floss. I guess I'm being petty; she can be fun to hang out with and Toni likes her well enough... I suppose that's the problem, though. I've never had to share Toni with anyone; but now she always seems to get on great with Floss, and I'm not sure I like it. And while Floss is nice enough to Toni, sometimes I get the feeling that she only puts up with me because I'm Toni's sister. It's not that she's ever mean, exactly. It's just the way she's always having these little digs at me, like now.

Well, I've had enough. The moment Floss turns round I grab my deadly snowball and get ready to hurl at her. I hold it above my shoulder like we learnt to do with the shot-puts at school, and throw it in front of me, about to let it go and send it flying towards Floss. I'm poised, ready, on one leg... which is when a sudden gust of wind comes up behind me, catching me off balance. _Not again._

I try to put out my hands to steady myself as I fall; but in that instant, I let go of the snowball. My arms flail uselessly in mid-air, while the killer snowball smashes to the ground just as I fall flat on my face on top of it.

"No way!" Floss jeers. "Only you could fall face first in your own snowball... that was just brilliant. Please say someone filmed that!"

I lie on the ground, cold and humiliated. I really did land with my face right in the middle of my snowball, and every inch of me is aching and frozen. I'm too stunned to even get up for a moment, but through the ringing of my ears I can hear my twin start to join in the laughter.

"Honestly, Billie, you're such an idiot sometimes!" she says, pulling me up.

"Thanks a bunch!" I scowl, brushing snow off my face. Even then, the cold still lingers; and my chin feels like it's about to fall off. Honestly, though, it's my pride that's hurt most. I've totally made a fool of myself in front of Floss, and even my own sister is laughing at me. Feeling my eyes begin to water, I try hard to calm myself down; the last thing I need is to start blubbing now. Think of something funny...

But Toni knows me too well, and is quick to notice the tell-tale trembling of my lower lip.

"Hey, come on, you're not going to cry now, are you?" she says. "I didn't mean to laugh. You looked pretty funny falling over like that, that's all."

"Well, I didn't find it funny!" I retort. "My whole face hurts, and I'm freezing. You're supposed to be on my side, you could have helped me. But all you did was stand there having a laugh with Floss!"

"Look, I said I'm sorry!" Toni snaps, irritated again. "Look, let's do something else now, yeah? We could build a snowman?"

I nod reluctantly, and she calls Floss and the others over. "Harry and Finn, you make the body, Floss and I will make the head." She turns to me. "You can make the face. How about you see if there's any carrots in the kitchen?"

I nod again. We're about to get to work when suddenly the front door opens.

"And what do you lot think you're doing?"

We jump, and turn round, seeing May-Li staring at us.

"We were just playing," Toni says meekly.

"Yeah," Floss says, nodding. "We've never seen snow before."

"That may be, but do you know what time it is?" May-Li demands. "It's still practically dark, for goodness sake! And you know you're supposed to ask us for permission before you go outside!"

"Sorry," I say, guiltily; it was sort of my idea, after all. "It just looked really fun..."

"And what's happened to you?" she demands, looking at me for the first time. "See, this is why you ask for permission! Come on, Billie, let's get you inside. You're shivering, and your whole chin is bleeding. That means you lot, too," she says, motioning us all to follow her back in.

"We can go out again later, though, can't we?" Harry asks.

"Well, that depends," May-Li says. "It is a school day, remember?"

"Oh, yeah! I'd completely forgotten that!" I say, groaning. "Aren't we late by now, though?"

"Well, you would be," May-Li agrees. "Only they just phoned. All the schools are closed."

"Really?" Toni cheers. "Yes!" She grabs Floss, ready to charge out into the snow again, but May-Li stops her.

"Did you not listen to anything I said?" she asks. "Okay, I _might_ let you go out again later... _after_ you've got warmed off."

We nod reluctantly, following her back into the house. Everyone else is still in that hyper, excited mood, and I try to force myself to cheer up. It's not every day it snows, after all. But I'm still freezing and sore from falling, and as I watch Floss and Toni chatting together I feel another little stab of jealousy. Even snow days seemed to be tarnished for me, these days. As we walk through to the kitchen, where all the older kids are sitting in their dressing gowns, with warm mugs of hot chocolate waiting for us, I'm suddenly reminded again that it's almost christmas. The first christmas without my family.

At least I'm not alone. The good thing about being a twin is that I always have someone. I worry sometimes where I'd be if I didn't have Toni; I've never been great at making friends, and I think I'd be quite shy if it was just me. So having a twin is a relief; an insurance that I'll never be alone. And if it wasn't for her, I don't know how I'd get through this christmas. It's going to be difficult for me as it is; I guess it always is, when you're in care.

I suppose that's why I've been getting so jealous of Floss. Toni's my twin sister; and now, she's the only family I've got. So I guess that's why I get so paranoid about losing her to Floss. Because that's the thing about being in care; you have to hang on to anyone you've got. And if I didn't have Toni, I'd be all alone.

* * *

 **Okay, this chapter has ended up massive! I always seem to write loads these days. Sorry if this story is kind of slow starting, I wanted to properly describe Billie's emotions and everything that's going through her head. But things will get more interesting soon, I promise.**


	3. Chapter 3

**It is two years today since I discovered fanfiction and started writing my first story! So I thought I'd update this today. This chapter is from Toni's point of view; the story is mainly about Billie but will alternate between both twins.**

* * *

 **Toni**

We're all in the kitchen, listening to christmas music, drinking hot chocolate and getting warmed up. I'm still not sure whether to feel sorry for Billie or be irritated by her. Why does she always have to get so annoyed by the slightest thing? I mean, I maybe shouldn't have laughed, but the way she fell over while trying to throw that snowball at Floss _was_ kind of funny - and usually, Billie would see the funny side too. But she's been really moody lately. I don't understand it, but it's starting to annoy me.

There's more important things on my mind now, though.

"May-Li," I ask, "When can we go outside again?"

"In a bit," she says, distractedly. "But look at the state of Billie. I can't let you out on your own unless I know you'll act responsibly."

"We will, though!" I insist. I gesture towards where Billie is sitting, talking to Tyler and Jody. "And Billie's fine, look!"

Then I notice something. "Where's Mike, anyway?" I ask curiously. Nearly everyone else is up by now, and we've had breakfast, but Mike is nowhere to be seen. I look at May-Li again, and I'm surprised to see her grinning mysteriously.

"Well," she says, "I think you're about to find out!" She points to the door, and I see Mike walking in, covered in snow, holding -

"A sledge!" Jody yells. "Wicked!"

"I thought it would still in the garage," Mike says, holding it up triumphantly; it's one of those plastic ones, bright red and slightly worn. "Tracy bought it, back in 2010."

"Oh yeah, I remember now!" Harry chips in. "I tried to give Jeff a ride in it, and he got all wet..."

"Well, Sapphire did tell you that giraffes don't like snow," Carmen reminds him, laughing. "Especially toy ones."

"Anyway," Mike says, "I thought you could all go down to the park and have a go on it. Take it in turns, mind. Maybe not all of you at once, though. Maybe, say, five of you now, the rest later on?"

"Can we go first?" Floss asks. "Me and the twins, Harry and Finn."

"Well, you've already been out today," Mike reminds her. "How about you let some of the others go first? Maybe Jody and Tyler?"

"Aww, but we've never seen snow before!" I complain. "We were, like, four last time it snowed like this. Too young to enjoy it, anyway."

"Oh, come on, let them go," Tyler says. "Me, Jody and Mo were planning to build an igloo in the garden anyway."

"Please?" Billie puts on her best cute look, and Mike relents.

"All right then, fine. But maybe if one of the older kids comes to supervise? Bailey, would you mind?"

"Well, if I can take Mischief with me, then I suppose I could go," he says, grabbing Mischief's lead.

"YES!" I cheer. "Come on, everyone, let's go!"

* * *

"There's Jake!" Bailey says, when we get to the park, seeing a friend from school. "Look, I'll meet you lot in an hour, yeah? Don't tell Mike I left; you'll be fine on your own. See you!" And he grabs Mischief and clears off.

"Freedom!" Floss cheers. "Let's get sledging. Me and Harry first."

"Er, how is that fair?" I yank the sledge out of her hand. "I had to drag the thing here. I say me and Billie go first."

"We don't have to..." Billie mutters.

"Yes we do!" I interrupt her. How is it fair if Floss gets first go?

"What about me?" Finn argues. "I want to go, too!"

"Hey, Mike said no fighting!" Harry reminds us. "And in the time we've spent arguing, we could have gone down the slope at least once already."

I suppose he's right, but there's no way I'm letting Floss win this without a fight.

"Hey, let's do rock paper scissors," I suggest, thinking. "Me, Floss and Finn? Whoever wins gets to choose a partner and go first."

"Good idea," says Finn. The three of us stand in a circle and put our hands out. Finn is scissors. Floss and I are both rock. I sigh.

"Okay, how about us two go again, best of three," I say to her. We go again; I bet Floss thinks I'll be rock again, so I go with scissors. Sure enough, she's paper.

The next time, Floss wins.

"What? This is going to take forever!" Harry says. "How about Billie and I go for a sledge while we wait for you to finish?"

"NO!" Floss and I yell at the same time.

"You can go in a minute, anyway," Floss says. "With me. When I win."

"In your dreams," I say; we narrow our eyes at each other, preparing for our last go. I wait a fraction of a second longer before I put out my hand, hoping to see what Floss does. Unfortunately, she does the same.

"Hands behind backs," she says firmly. "I can win easily without cheating."

"So can I," I growl. I try to think; Floss won last time with rock, so she'll probably stick with that.

"Okay," I say, my brow furrowed in concentration. "Rock... paper... scissors!" We put our hands out so quickly that they bang into each other.

"Oh, yes!" I smirk. "Paper beats rock. I win, fair and square! Come on, Billie!"

"What is it with girls?" Harry mutters to Finn, as I get into the sledge. "They get competitive over everything!"

"Yeah, well, competition leads to victory!" I say, already looking forward to my first ever sledge ride. "Come on, Billie; what are you waiting for?"

She's standing next to the sledge, not getting in.

"Hurry up!" I say, slightly impatient now. "What's wrong?"

Billie pauses. "I... I just don't really feel like it," she says quietly.

"Seriously? Billie, did you see how hard I just fought for us to have first go? Come on, it'll be fun."

"Look, I'm sorry, okay?" Billie says. "I just don't feel like it."

"Yeah right. You'll change your mind when you see how fun it is." I grab her arm and start to drag her over.

"No!" Billie yanks her arm away suddenly. "Didn't you hear what I said? I just don't want to go, okay?"

"Why not?" I demand; I'm seriously irritated now. I just spent ages beating Floss for first go, and all Billie does is yell at me. Why does she have to be so moody all the time? "You're not scared, are you?" I challenge her.

"Yes!" she snaps, suddenly, her eyes blazing. " I am scared, okay? What are you going to do about it?"

For a moment, I'm speechless. She can't be serious!

"You are joking, right?" I say. "I should have known you'd go all wimpy over this. It's only a little slope, what's the worst that can happen?"

"I don't know," she mutters. "I just don't want to do it, okay?"

"Fine." I say, annoyed; after all that, she's just being a total drag. This is meant to be fun. "Be like that!" I snap. "If you want to be a complete baby about it, then that's your problem. I'll go with Floss."

I start to get back into the sledge, but Billie grabs my arm.

"No!" she says suddenly. "You can't!"

"I'll be fine," I say. "Nothing's going to happen, it's completely safe. You don't have to go, but you can't stop me!"

"I know," Billie says. "It's not that."

"Then what is it?" I demand, turning to look at her. She pauses. "Go on, tell me! This better be good, if you're going to ruin the whole day over it."

"It's not fair!" she bursts out. "You can't go with Floss! You were meant to go with me. You can't just replace me!"

I can't believe her; I actually can not believe what she's saying. "Wait, so you won't go with me, but you won't let me go with Floss either?" I demand. "What do you want me to do, just stay indoors with you for the whole day, playing barbies with you?"

I feel kind of bad as I say it, watching her face crumple. Billie does have a couple of barbies from when she was a kid, but I'm the only person who knows that she still sometimes gets them out and plays with them. But I've never made fun of her for it before, and I know I shouldn't now. It's just, she's really getting on my nerves now.

"You're always with Floss!" Billie cries. "It's so unfair. I'm the one who's your sister, not her. And whenever you're with Floss, it's like you're a different person. You two are always horrible to me when you're together. You say I'm the wimp, but you always, always do what she wants!"

"That's not true!" Floss chips in, running over indignantly. "Toni hangs out with me because she wants to - and I'm not surprised she'd rather be friends with me than with you. When do you ever do anything fun? You never have any good ideas, you're too scared to go sledging and you can't even throw a snowball!"

"She's right, you know," I say; how dare Billie say that about me? As I'm just a mindless idiot who always does what Floss wants! "And what you think I'm like with Floss, that's exactly how you are with me. You always follow me around, you never have your own opinion... face it, Billie, if you didn't have me, you'd be nothing but a big nobody!"

"See, that's what you're like when you're with Floss!" Billie shouts. "You just get so mean and horrible... no wonder Dad likes me better than you."

"He doesn't!" I retort, though now, I'm feeling my face burning with doubt - but it can't be true... can it? Dad always did seem to get a lot more annoyed at me than he did at Billie... I suppose I was always the more badly behaved one, the one who caused more trouble...

I feel a sudden surge of hurt and anger - how can Billie say something like that? And what if it's true?

Maybe that's why I say it.

"Yeah, well, maybe _I_ like Floss better than you!" I burst out. "At least she's a laugh."

Billie gasps and her bottom lip trembles the way it always does, before a small tear runs down her cheek; she just looks at me, and I know I've gone too far already. But I'm too angry, too upset to stop now.

"Yeah, go on, cry like you always do. You're just a whiny, clingy little baby!" I say. "I bet it was because of _you_ that Dad left - he was fed up of living with a snivelling little idiot like you. But who cares? I don't need him, and I _definitely_ don't need _you_!"

"Yeah," Floss agrees - she's still annoyed about what Billie said earlier. "I don't even know why we let you hang round with us. You're so boring, you never have anything to say - you just follow us around. We didn't ask you to be friends with us, and we don't want you, either. So if you don't like us, then go. It'll be a relief to be rid of you clinging on to us all the time."

"Exactly!" I say triumphantly. "So why don't you just buzz off and never come back. You'll do us all a favour."

I look at Billie expectantly. She's sniffing now, almost fully crying, but trying hard to hold off the tears, like she doesn't want to show how much I've got to her; and I know I should feel bad, but I'm still too angry. I don't even know why I'm saying all that; I suppose I'm just so worked up by now that I can't stop.

"Come on, Floss," I say. "Let's go sledging, whatever she says. Anything to get away from that bad smell!"

I get on the sledge with Floss in front of me, and force myself to laugh as it starts to go. After all, I don't need Billie! I can have fun without her. All she does is spoil things anyway.

Afterwards, when we drag the sledge back up to the top of the slope and hand it to Harry and Finn, Billie is gone.

"Good riddance!" Floss says, with relish. "Look, it's started to snow."

All I notice, though, is Finn looking at me; a disappointed, almost disbelieving look. And a small set of footprints in the distance, identical to mine, fast getting covered up by the falling snow but still visible; only the tips showing, like when someone's been running away really fast.

And now, for the first time, I wonder if I've gone too far.


	4. Chapter 4

**Okay, I'm really sorry I haven't updated in ages! I wanted to wait a bit before writing this chapter, in case anything was revealed about the twin's past before the end of the series. And then for some reason this chapter took ages to write. I ended up writing about a paragraph every day for about a week! Anyway, here it (finally) is!**

* * *

 **Billie**

As I run off it starts snowing again, heavily this time; blowing cold puffs of snow into my face. I barely even notice; I'm such a cold, wet mess already, my face filthy with snot and tears. How could a day that promised to be so good turn sour so suddenly? And how, just how could Toni be so horrible?

It's all my fault, I know. I let the jealous feeling niggling inside me get the better of me, completely ruined Toni's day. No wonder she hates me. And she's right; everything she and Floss said about me is. It must be, otherwise...

Only, I can't let myself think about what just happened. Though it's all I want to do, think everything over, make sense of it all. But if I think now, I'll only end up crying again, I know. So I have to stay strong, for now, at least until I can get away to be by myself, think everything over.

I wipe my tears away and walk on; I don't even know where I'm going. Back to the dumping ground, I guess; it's not like there's anywhere else. As I walk, I notice passers-by staring at me; I'm used to that, being a twin and in care, but now their expressions are different, more concerned. What must they all be thinking? Wondering what on earth a nine-year-old girl is doing trudging through the snow on her own, in tears.

It's embarrassing; I bet they all see me the same way that Floss and Toni did, nothing but a clingy little wimp.

I walk faster; I need to get back home, get away.

* * *

At the dumping ground, everyone's outside, playing in the snow. Most people are in the garden, and don't see me; but Jody and Tyler are at the front of the house, moulding snow into bricks for the igloo they said they were going to build. I try to walk through the open door without being seen, but at the last minute, Tyler spots me.

"Hey, Billie, how come you're back so soon?" he calls out. "Come and help us with our igloo!"

"No thanks," I say, careful not to turn round. If he sees how upset I am, he's sure to ask questions, and I can't face the humiliation of having to tell anyone what just happened.

"I'm just... getting a carrot," I say, using the first excuse that comes into my head. "To make a snowman."

Before he can answer, I head through the door, shoving it closed behind me. No-one else sees me; and that's the good thing about a snow day. Even Mike and May-Li are in the garden, so I have the whole house to myself. Which, right now, is exactly what I need.

* * *

I run up to my room, not even thinking about what I'm doing. But then I see my bed, next to Toni's - and stop. She could burst at any moment, and I can not, will not, face her. I can't bear being here; I need somewhere more private. I'm about to leave, when I find myself glancing under my bed. I pause, then reach down, picking up the small, green box underneath. Hugging it to my chest, I leave the room, closing the door behind me.

I don't even know where to go. The whole house is empty but, somehow, nowhere feels private enough. In the end, I just trudge up to the attic.

It's dark in there, which would usually scare me, but today, I barely notice. I close the door behind me and feel my way through to the window; the snow is still falling now, more heavily than ever. For a moment, I just stand there watching it fall, still white and perfect; unspoilt by footsteps and dirt. And now, finally, I let the tears fall, let myself cry properly.

How could a day that started out so perfect go so wrong, so quickly? And how could Toni be so horrible? We've always been close, because of everything we've been through; sometimes it was more like we were one person. But today, I felt like I hardly knew her.

I press my face against the window, staring out at the snow; for the first time I notice how much slower it falls than rain. Snow dances through the wind, occasionally skidding against the window sill, and I'm almost sure I can make out every individual snowflake. It's so peaceful just to stand there watching it, not thinking; there's something almost hypnotic about the way it falls, and I find it hard to tear my eyes away. But I turn round slowly, and sit down heavily, crouched under the window.

I pick up the green box from my room, and slowly open it up, taking out an old photo album. I leaf through the pictures, trying to remember when everything was still okay; when we were all still happy. It wasn't so long ago; it's crazy how things can change so quickly, how with a snap of a finger, you can lose everyone and everything precious to you. First Mum, then Dad... Toni was all I had left. And now she hates me.

I'm crying properly now. The tears plod onto the photo album, making rain-like marks on the photos, but I don't move to wipe them away. The memories are already ruined; so what if I spoil the photos with my tears.

I'm so busy sitting there, engrossed with fingering the photos and thinking about everything, that I don't notice the attic door open, footsteps behind me. So when the light switches on, I'm taken completely by surprise; I squeal instinctively, and swing round.

"Who's there?" I demand, quickly wiping the tears out of my eyes.

"What are you doing here?" Ryan demands, stepping out of the shadows. "How come you're not outside with the others?"

"I'm just not," I mutter, slightly suspicious. I don't know what to think of Ryan; Harry idolises him, but Tee doesn't trust him. I don't know which of my friends to believe. "Why aren't _you_?"

He pauses, kicking at the dust on the ground with his foot. I watch him curiously. "I just didn't feel like it," he says eventually. "I'm just... not into snow, I guess."

"Oh," I say. "Neither am I."

"How come?"

"It's Toni," I burst out; I hadn't meant to say anything, but I have to tell someone. "She hates me." I wait for him to reply, but he just raises his eyebrows, so I carry on speaking. "She thinks I'm a wimp, because I didn't want to go on the sledge. And now she's friends with Floss, she doesn't need me anymore and I don't have anyone."

"Yeah, well, that's life," Ryan says. "You're a care kid now, that's how things are for us. Families seem so close to you, you'd think they'd never leave you, that nothing bad could happen. But when it comes down to it, they don't care about you any more than anyone else. I guess you just need to get used to it; that's how your life is now. It might be Christmas, but you're still a care kid."

I frown slightly, trying to think about what he's just said. That can't be right, surely? Though he has got a point. I just don't like the sound of what he's saying.

"Is that your family?" Ryan asks, pointing to a picture in my photo album. I nod.

"It must have been perfect, back then." he says. "I bet you never thought anything would go wrong. But that's what people do; they leave."

"Yeah, well, that's where you're wrong." I say. "My mum didn't want to leave us. She died."

"Really?" For a moment, Ryan looks surprised, like I said something really unexpected. That's unusual; whenever Toni and I told people about our Mum in the past, they'd just look awkward, and say they were sorry. We both got so sick of it that we decided to stop talking about her. No-one asked too many questions after we went into care, anyway.

"Are you sure?" Ryan asks.

"Of course I am!" I tell him, angrily. "It's my _mum._ "

"What exactly happened, then?" he insists.

"It was only three years ago," I tell him. "I was six. We came home from school one day, and... she was just... gone. We never saw her again. Dad cleared her stuff out and everything, he even went to her funeral."

"But you didn't? Didn't you want to say goodbye to your own mum?"

"Yeah, we did! But Dad said we were too young."

"Doesn't that strike you as slightly weird?" Ryan asks.

"No!" I say, firmly. I think back to when everything happened; it was horrible. Mum had been meant to pick us up from school that day, but she never came. Toni and I were left waiting, after everyone had gone home; a teacher came eventually and told us to wait inside while she tried to get hold of our parents, but no-one answered the phone, and we could tell she was starting to get annoyed. Me and Toni were bored out of our minds, so eventually we decided just to leave the school on our own and run home.

When we got home, nobody answered when we rang the doorbell. I guess that's when I realised that something was really wrong. Toni was banging on the door; she was really panicking, starting to cry, screaming for someone to open the door. In the end, I remembered the spare key, hidden under an empty flowerpot.

At first, we were just so relieved to get into the house that we thought everything would be okay. It was only after we'd taken off our coats that we noticed that the lights were all on, and the television was blaring out in the living room. We ran in, thinking one of our parents would be there, but again, the room was empty. In the end, we went to the kitchen to get a snack; and that's where we found Dad. He was just sitting there, crying; I'd never, ever seen him cry before and it scared me, more than anything else that had happened. I hardly dared to ask him what was wrong, but before we could, he looked up at us suddenly, like he hadn't even heard us come in. And that's when he told us.

The next day, it was like she'd never even existed. When we went to wake Dad up the next morning, all her jewellery had been cleared off the table, her pictures off the walls. Dad refused to speak about Mum; he wouldn't even let us mention her name. It was like she'd never been there, and all that was left was a cold, empty hole in my heart.

Nothing was ever the same after that; before, we'd had two parents, but after that it was like we'd lost both of them. It was like Dad didn't care about us, or notice us, at all anymore. Suddenly, we had to learn to do everything ourselves; get dressed, walk to school, make dinner. Sometimes we'd try to talk to Dad, get him to listen to us again, see us properly; but it was like we were invisible. Back then, I thought this cold silence, Dad refusing to acknowledge us, was the worst thing that could happen. I wish I'd known then how much, later, I'd wish we were back to being invisible again.

I can't let myself think about that, though; not now.

"Look, Mum's... gone, okay?" I say to Ryan, now. "I know she is. She must be."

"Oh, well then, I'm sure you're right," Ryan says, still looking thoughtful. "After all, you know your family. I bet you wish she was still here, though. And there must be a lot you don't know about her."

I nod. "I suppose so," I say; I'd never really thought about it.

"Only," says Ryan, "If it was me, I'd want to find out more about her. Where she grew up, what she was like, what sort of person she was. You know?"

"Well, I've got this," I say, holding up the box of memories. "And I do remember her quite a bit; she was my Mum."

"That's not exactly much, though, is it?" Ryan says. "A tiny box like that? And if you were only six when she died, you probably don't remember much about her. Wouldn't you want to find out more?"

"How, though?" I ask.

"Well, have you ever looked your Mum up on the internet?" asks Ryan. "You know, her social media accounts and that?"

"No..." I admit. "I've never thought about it. I wouldn't know where to start, though. And Toni wouldn't want me to."

"So you always do what she says?" Ryan says, challengingly.

"No!"

"There's nothing stopping you, then, is there? And there's no-one in the house now... you probably won't get a better chance."

I shrug; I guess I could have a look, and I would like to find out more about my mum. I'm not sure how I feel about Ryan helping me, though; this is something I'd rather do alone, and I'm still not sure I trust him. But I wouldn't know where to look on my own, so it doesn't look like I've got much choice.

"All right," I say, eventually. "Let's do this."


	5. Chapter 5

I'm still not sure whether this is a good idea as I follow Ryan into the living room. He picks up the laptop and logs on; I watch curiously as he goes to the internet and starts typing.

"Wait..." I say, puzzled, as he types into the search box. "How do you know my mum's name?"

Ryan looks shifty for a moment. "Toni mentioned it," he says eventually.

"Really? Why'd she do that? We don't talk about mum much..." I say, confused. "And why would she tell you of all people?"

"She didn't," he says, quickly. "Floss mentioned it once, when she playing football with me and Harry. Toni must have told her."

I frown; I can't believe Toni would just go and pass on our secrets to Floss! Though I can't say I'm surprised, after the way she treated me today.

"Anyway, Sylvie Trent... is that your mum?" Ryan asks, pointing at the search options.

"Er... yeah, that's her," I say, pointing to the link to Facebook.

As Ryan clicks on the link, I look at her profile picture. She looks so different from how I remembered her, somehow; I was sure her hair was shorter. It's scary to think that I've forgotten what my own mum looks like, and suddenly I miss her more than ever... I guess that's only more of a reason to find out about her now, though.

"So, look... you can see her date of birth and everything, here," Ryan says, pointing to the bottom of the page. "It even says where she went to school... did you know your mum grew up in Croydon?"

I shake my head, baffled by all the information. I'd never know where to start looking at something like this, but Ryan seems to know just where to click to find out everything... it's like he does this every day.

"How do you know so much?" I ask him, curiously.

"Oh, you know... practise," Ryan says, vaguely. "Looks like your mum could have done with updating her privacy settings, though... I can see everything on her page easily. Anyway, look, here you can see who your mum's Facebook friends are. Maybe you could find out about her friends and family, even get in contact with them."

"Maybe..." I mutter; honestly, though, there's no way I'd be ready to meet anyone from her past. I wouldn't know what to say, for one thing. And after being in care and everything, it would just be too weird.

"She wasn't very popular, was she?" Ryan remarks. "Only 46 friends?"

"She had loads of friends!" I say, defensively. "I bet she was more popular than you, anyway. At least she was nice."

"Okay, sorry!" Ryan shrugs, and scrolls down the page. "Anyway, it looks here like your mum has a sister... did you know that?"

"Er... yeah, I think so," I say, trying to remember. "We never met Mum's family, but I think I remember her mentioning me and Toni having an auntie. She sent us a birthday card once."

Ryan makes to click on her profile, but I shake my head.

"Can we just find out about Mum today?" I ask. I don't know why, but the way there's been nothing from any of my family for years, and now, suddenly, there's all this extra information, at the click of a button... it's kind of overwhelming. I suppose I never really thought about how much you could find out on the internet. And the fact that someone like Ryan could just find out anything he wanted about my family, or anyone at the dumping ground, is even more worrying. I make a mental note to ask May-Li to tell me how to change my privacy settings if I ever make an account on the internet.

"What are we looking at next?" I ask Ryan now.

"Well," he smiles, "We've seen when your mum was born, where she grew up and who her friends and family were. So now I think it's time to see just what your mother wrote on her Facebook profile. Are you ready to look?"

"I think so," I say. There's something unsettling about the way he's smiling, but I tell myself I'm being paranoid. And I do want to know about my mum.

Smiling even wider, Ryan clicks back to mum's profile.

"Well, there's your mum's last ever post," he says, pointing to the page. "I'll leave you to see what you make of that."

He walks over to the door, where he stands, watching me. I squint at the page, reading the comment underneath a large photo. Something about it strikes me as strange, but I don't register it right away. I carry on reading. Then stop. And stare.

That can't be right; it just can't. It doesn't make one bit of sense; the Dad I once knew, how ever much he changed, would never have lied to me. And if this is what I think it is, then why would he change? And how could mum have done this?

Shaking slightly, I slowly stare back up at Ryan. He doesn't say anything, just raises his eyebrows the tiniest fraction, that unsettling smile still on his face; almost like he's enjoying this. I just look back at him, in disbelief.

"Did you know about this?" I whisper, my voice trembling. I lower my eyes back to the screen, looking back at the post to make sure it's really there.

The picture shows Mum, still with that strange hairstyle; she's smiling, a strange man next to her, with his arms round her. That's not what's most disturbing, though; it's the date of the post.

Mum died three years ago. So how can her last post on Facebook have been the 27th December, 2014?


	6. Chapter 6

**Sorry I took so long to update! I know I didn't get this finished by Christmas, but I thought I'd continue it anyway.**

* * *

I still can't get my head around it. Mum can't still be alive... that would mean that all the time, ever since she left our lives, it was her choice. She could have stayed with us, kept in touch with me and Toni, but she didn't. She left us all... for that man in the photo. I look at the photo again; they're smiling, like they've got everything they could ever want; I can even see christmas decorations in the background.

Suddenly, I can't bear to look at them anymore. I slam the laptop shut, angrily; then fling it to the side, springing up. All I want is to run out of the room, but Ryan is still standing in front of the door, looking at me.

"I take it you didn't expect what you found, then," he says.

"I didn't," I agree. "But _you_ did, didn't you! You knew mum wasn't dead earlier! Why didn't you say anything?"

"Would you have believed me?" Ryan asks, smoothly. "People think what they want to about people they care about; you clearly thought the world of your parents, and I knew that nothing I told you would change that. So I had to prove it to you, somehow. I'm sorry you found out the way you did, but I figured it was better you knew the truth."

"How did you know, though?" I ask. "Did Toni know the truth? Did she tell Floss that, too?"

Ryan doesn't answer, and I feel another churn of anger. How could my own sister keep something like that from me, but tell Floss? This proves it; Ryan's right. I really am alone now.

"I can't believe everyone's been lying to me like that!" I say. "What should I do?"

"Well..." Ryan thinks for a moment. "If it was me, I'd want to find out the whole truth about what happened. That's the only way you're going to get to the bottom of this, find out why everyone's been lying to you."

"You mean, look on the internet again?" I ask.

"No..." Ryan says slowly. "You can find some stuff out like that, but you've been told some pretty big lies. I'd say the only way to find out the whole truth is to speak to someone who knows first-hand what happened."

"Toni, you mean! No way, not after everything she's done." I say, firmly.

"If you say so," Ryan shrugs. "But actually, I was thinking more along the lines of... your dad."

"Dad?" I say, baffled. "How could I do that? I don't know his phone number, I haven't even seen him for a year!"

"You know where he lives, though, right?" Ryan asks. I nod. "Well, then maybe you should pay him a visit. I think that's the best way for you to get some answers."

"Visit him...?" I repeat, slowly. I don't even know how I'd feel like that. After everything he did to me and Toni... and I wouldn't even know what to say to him. The whole thing feels like some sort of fantasy; I mean, I'm only nine, and I've never really done anything without my sister.

"I couldn't..." I mutter.

"Why not?"

"Well, how would I?" I ask. "I don't even know the way. And I'm not sure I want to see Dad, not after what he's done. Anyway, Toni - "

"Your sister again," Ryan says. "That's what family does, see? They hold you back. If you want to survive, you have to learn to stand on your own feet. And if you want any answers, you know you need to do this - by yourself. Or do you want to prove Toni right? So she thinks you're a wimp - prove her wrong."

"Maybe..." I say, unconvinced. "But how would I even get there? I've never been on a bus by myself before."

"Well, what's your address?" Ryan asks, picking up the laptop again and typing in what I tell him.

"So, you need to take the number 15 bus... the bus stop is right outside Ashdene Ridge, so it should be easy. Just hop on the bus, then get off when you see that you're near home. Easy, right?"

"I suppose..." Could I really do this? Go all the way to my old home and find Dad? Then confront him about his lies? I've never done anything this big in my life - or even thought about it.

"Well, there's a bus coming in ten minutes, so you'd better get ready," Ryan says. "Do you have any money?"

"Mike looks after it," I tell him. "He doesn't trust us ever since we bought that trampoline."

"Fine, I'll lend you the money, but you'd better get going," Ryan says. "Oh, and you should probably leave a note so no-one worries."

"So I'm really doing this? Right now?" I ask him; it all still seems surreal, like some sort of game or fantasy. I can't just go off on my own!

"Of course you're doing this!" Ryan says. "Go on, get your coat; you'd better hurry unless you want to miss the bus."

Obediently, I pull on my coat, hat and gloves again.

"Don't forget the note!" Ryan says, handing me some paper and a pen. I quickly scribble a note telling Mike and May-Li where I'm going.

"Where should I put it?" I ask.

"Oh, don't worry about it. I'll give it to them," he says.

"Wait... what? You're not coming with me?" I ask, confused. "I... I don't know if I can do it on my own. How will I know the way?"

"You'll be fine!" Ryan says, practically shoving me out of the door. "Go on! You know you want to do this."

I'm really unsure about this now, and I still don't trust Ryan, not one bit. I can't back out now, though; I have to find out the truth, and there won't be a better chance than this. So I walk out of the door; turning round, I see Ryan already heading back up to the attic.

For the first time it occurs to me to wonder what Ryan was actually doing in the attic; and why did he go to all that trouble to tell me about my family, persuade me to leave? It crosses my mind that he might have wanted me out of the way, so he could have the house to himself; but then, why would he go to all that trouble for it? Wouldn't he just have told me to go back and make up with Toni? It doesn't make sense; but then, nothing about Ryan does.

Anyway, I've got more important things to think about now; like how I'm going to face my dad again after all this time, all the secrets. So I push my doubts about Ryan out of my mind, and sit down at the bus stop to wait.


End file.
